People are one of the most tricky and difficult species to understand. There are instances in our lives when we do different things that we think are embarrassing for others to find out. We call those our deepest and darkest secrets.
Memories that are either too painful or haunting to remember. We tend to try to bury them in the deepest part of our minds, but sometimes it doesn’t work that way.
1. His Safe Space
I've always looked after my little brother and have stepped in to fill the role my dad left behind. I'm 26, and my brother is 15.
One day my brother broke down crying, and I was thinking, "Crap, mom has cancer, or a girl broke up with him." I asked him what was wrong, and he responded that he wanted to be a girl.
I laugh, thinking he's pulling a prank like he does (well, I might add, smart), but he keeps at it. Usually, he would break and admit it, but he didn't break this time. I was shocked, and it felt surreal while we talked.
We talked for a couple of hours, and I, loving my bro, was supportive and gave him information on being transgender, what information I knew anyway. He told me he HATED pretending and wanted girls' clothes and all that jazz.
To wrap it up, whenever my brother comes to stay with me on weekends, he wears girlish clothing and makeup. I always refer to him as 'her,' and he goes by Brittany.
It weirds me out but I see how much he enjoys being who he wants to be at my place. We still do the usual like video games and movies but he stopped working out with me because he doesn't want to build muscle.
So my little bro turns into Brittany on weekends and very much plays the role. His voice was pretty soft and gender-neutral, to begin with, but when he tries to play up being a girl, it's dead on (though there are hints of my brother in some words he says).
The worst thing about it is I never have the house to myself on weekends. He will ALWAYS want to stay at my place because it's his 'favorite time,' and I can't break his heart by telling him no since he's pretty miserable during the week.
My bro passes for a girl pretty well, and I doubt most people would notice. I say he looks 'pretty' as a girl, but if he starts taking hormones like he plans, he shouldn't have an issue.
However, that is all in the future because our mom would probably flip if she found out: A) He wants to be a girl, B) I knew, and C) I helped him. I love my brother and consider myself his guardian, and I try to be supportive even though it's weird (I'm pretty conservative), but it's my bro, you know?
I have one more thing to add: I took him to an amusement park this summer, and he went as Brittany. He made a joke about people thinking we were on a date, which wasn't funny to me. The things I do for love.
Throwawaybrosier
2. Wake Up
When I was very little (probably around 3-4), I used to play a game with my parents where I'd go to the bathroom and brush my teeth before bed, and when I got to my room, they'd pretend to be asleep, and I'd find creative ways to "wake them up."
Being so young, I thought my dad was superhero-style indestructible, and in thinking so, I decided to try something that would hurt a kid like me but wouldn't harm him at all since he was "big."
I found a pencil on the desk and tried stabbing him in the eye with it. Luckily, he was peeking and stopped me just before I did it. To this day, it gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach thinking about what might have happened.
L0wRyd3r
3. Bad Joke
When I was about 15 years old, I had an obsession with bows and arrows, so my parents finally got me one, and I paid for some arrows. I would go into the woods and shoot things randomly (never living creatures, though!).
Anyway, my parents and I were at my grandparents' cottage, and my dad showed me a compound bow. He helped me draw it back and told me to shoot at a pole.
My mom was nearby, back turned, and I jokingly aimed the arrow at her. My dad spun me in another direction so fast, slapped me, took away the bow, and flipped out. My mom didn't even know what happened.
Kipawa
4. Family Danger
One of my earliest and most distinct memories was the only time my dad powerfully backhanded me. My dad does not hit. But here it goes.
My mom, sister, brother, and I were in the car, with Dad driving. This was the 1970s, and there were no seatbelts (or anyone who really used them).
My four-year-old self thought it would be a great time to roughhouse my dad. I just remember going into 'tackle mode,' the car swerving all over, and 'BAMB!' right across the face. And I was then being yelled at by both dad and mom.
mauxly
5. One-Sided
I was in a sad marriage. I was so unhappy with the situation, and he was just fine. He didn't want me; he just wanted a wife to say he had one.
We did a short separation, went through counseling, and nothing changed. I found his journal one day that he wrote in during our separation.
He mentioned over and over how he couldn't bear not having our son in his life every day, but there was not one word about me. I left and got divorced.
I then went through a crappy couple of years. He's still bitter, though he has remarried with a new baby. I found someone who wanted me, and I've never been happier. I deserve it.
AndroidAnthem
6. Painful Thoughts
We've been together for five years. I'm 24, and she's 25. Sometimes, I don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life with her. Our friends are starting to buy houses or get engaged, and she obviously wants the same. Plus, our friends think we have a perfect relationship.
We always talk about stuff like "when we get married," "when we live together," or "when we have kids." Sometimes, I bring up those conversations, but most of the time, it's her. We've had our problems every now and then.
Over the five years of our relationship, she's thought about breaking up with me three times. She'll come up to me and start talking about our problems. For example, if I don't show enough affection, things need to change, or if I need to show that I love her.
She once told me she feels like we're just best friends doing extra stuff together. But she says she loves me so much that she can't break up with me.
Our fights aren't really fights; they're more like "talks" or something. It's always the same thing: She complains about not feeling loved or not getting enough affection.
Then I try to show her how much I care for her, and everything is great for a while, then eventually it happens again. Most of the time, I never see it coming, and then she starts telling me this stuff.
I don't know if it's something I'm doing or what. I'm not consciously doing it. I mean... I really like her. I think I'm in love with her. I like being with her, talking to her, and doing stuff with her. We've been together for 5 years, but... I don't know if I want to live with her or marry her.
She's my first and only girlfriend. Maybe I don't know what love is? Maybe I'm not in love? I couldn't imagine breaking up with her, and I'm sure she won't break up with me. She's always telling me how I'm the one for her, and it's up to me if we ever get married or not.
Sometimes, I think I should just break up with her so I'm not leading her on, but I'm not sure what I want. People always say that after a couple of years, you should just know if you want to be with them or not... idk.
[deleted]
7. My Sister
When I was 11 years old, in 2006, my sister passed away in my backyard swimming pool while I was at my father's house on the weekend. I was very close to my sister. I loved her with all of my heart.
My mother often talks about how she misses my sister, and I agree. There is only one problem. I have almost no memory of my sister. My mom does not know this, and I do not know why I have such a hard time trying to remember.
I obviously remember what she looks like, but I cannot remember how she acted or how I acted towards her. I can only remember a few moments when we were together.
One of the moments was when I was swimming in the pool, trying to do backflips, and yelling out to my mom, "Mom, watch me!" My mom held my baby sister and talked to her so she didn't hear me.
I, being selfish and rude, yelled at the top of my lungs, "STOP BABYING HER," and stormed up the deck and into the house. I have no idea why I can remember this moment, but not any good moments.
There is this moment that I have dreamed of all the time. As I was getting in the car (on the day she died) to go to my dad's house on the weekend, she jumped into the car and gave me a tight hug goodbye.
I do not know If this moment happened, but it feels so real when I think about it. I hope it happened. I have no idea if this is a "dark secret" or not. But it is a secret. A secret that I have almost no memories of a loved one in my life.
TannerLoL
8. Dark Past
This happened when I was 15. I had a fight with my brother, and my mom butted in and defended my brother even though my brother was at fault.
I punched her, missed, and hit the wall behind her. Then I punched the floor 3-4 times, thinking I hit her. Then I came back to sense.
Now, I'm a calm person. I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't swear(cuss), I don't even talk much. People (and friends) started hating me because I'm not "cool" anymore. Screw them, I love my mom, I love my family. I changed.
Iyufa
9. Horrible Times
I used to be a violent kid. From the ages of 7-12, I used to threaten and sometimes slap and punch my grandmother (who I was raised by).
Needless to say, my mom was crazy as well (she also got it in check). I also used to kick and punch my sister, but she was bigger than I was, so she would often kick my arse.
When I was 8, I would also push around my baby sister, who was two at the time, whenever she annoyed me. To this day, I feel absolutely horrible.
My grandmother is the sweetest lady you'd ever meet, and my sisters are cool, too. None of them holds any grudges or has any harsh feelings that I know of.
I know I am not the same person; I was just a child. I just cringe and feel horrible for all the crazy crap I did when I was younger.
Anyway, I'm 24 now, and I still do have a bit of a temper, but I am a pacifist. Haven't been violent towards anyone since the age of 12. I still sometimes throw things on the ground, though.
ViolentKidThrowaway
10. Secret Dad
A server I worked with as a cook is now 3 months pregnant with MY child. No one knows it's mine. We're no longer speaking. She cut the connection.
She thinks I don't know she's pregnant. She's letting her BF that she cheated on with me think that it's his. It is definite that it is not.
I really don't want kids, but I'm also having extreme moral issues with what I should do with this information. I am so confused and frustrated right now.
Throwmeawayunplugged
11. Weirdest Craving
I don't think I've ever said this out loud before because it's so damn weird. People might think I'm more screwed up than I really am.
Still, I've always wanted to get into a car accident, like the type that gets you hospitalized and severely hurt. Whenever I drive, I have the urge to drive straight into traffic or swerve into the opposite lane.
People think I hate driving because I suck at it, but it's really because I have this huge urge every time I'm alone in the car. It's nagging.
I'm in college now, and I take the shuttle to school, so I haven't been driving for a month or so, but whenever I'm in a car, I still have that craving.
stopthebeep
12. Brain’s Bad Side
I once opened the bag of biscuits for Molly (the cat) with a pair of scissors... "You should totally cut Molly's ears off" - "Yea, that sou- WAIT, what the heck, brain? That is messed up. You get out of here."
I think I will never forget that thought. It just came up and felt so natural, like a good idea, until reality consciousness caught up and stopped wanting a bar of it.
That idea is probably the worst I have had. On another note, I have thoughts along the same lines as OP. I just didn't act on them; after a while, I haven't had problems with them. But now that I have been reminded, I might sigh.
[deleted]
13. Intrusive Thoughts
I'm nineteen and just now getting my license (this Wednesday, if all goes well!).. I blame it on many things. I never trusted myself behind the wheel of a car.
I had such a strong desire to just slam into another car and fly into the air. I could never explain why, but it was there. I wasn't sad. I valued my life. I knew people cared about me.
It all came to an end when I finally got into a car wreck. We slammed into the back of a stationary minivan, going at least fifty. The car totaled completely.
Thankfully neither I nor the driver were badly hurt, but that airbag ruined my freaking day. I didn't even have time to brace myself.
I had a cigarette and a Subway sandwich in my hands. The cigarette exploded in my face, and the sandwich flew out of sight. I'm a tough guy.
I box with my friends, some of them strong, burly, hard-hitting moves. Nothing prepared me for that airbag. I was so shaken up, and all those thoughts stopped. Screw being in a wreck, man. It is nowhere near as cool as I thought it would be.
MooseyGramayre
14. Poop Curse
When I was very little (3-5 years old) I sharted. This was before I had the wherewithal to know not to check for poop with my hand, which is what I did.
I had no clue what to do because my bathroom was right past my parent's room, and I thought I would get in trouble if they saw that I wiped my butt with my hand.
I look around my living room and see my big speakers hooked up to the TV. These weren't the little speakers that go next to your TV, either. These things were taller than I was back then.
The shelves we kept our cassette tapes on hid the backside of these speakers, making that the perfect place to hide some poop.
The bad part isn't that I wiped my personalized chocolate on these speakers. The bad part is that my parents bought a better TV that came with better speakers, so they no longer needed the poopy ones.
They generously decided to give the speaker to my cousin's family. It's been about fifteen years since we gave them the poopy speakers, and it must've cursed their house or something.
Their toilet flooded multiple times, spilling poop everywhere, their dogs would leave big meaty turds right in front of their TV, and you know how some little kids pee on the bed?
Well, my little cousin went through that phase, except he would poop his bed on the reg. Even I fell victim to this "Poop Curse," if you will, and I pooped on their bathroom floor only a few months before they moved out. I had diarrhea and just barely didn't make it.
My cousin's parents, my aunt and uncle, got divorced a few years back, and my aunt is now in possession of the poo speakers. Fifteen years later, she still has no clue what I did.
TheMexi-Jew
15. Hidden Feelings
I'm married and have the biggest crush on a single friend. I don't know how this came about, as the three of us have been friends since college.
While I always thought the friend was a good-looking guy....that was it. I thought nothing more. Later, the friend was a groomsman at our wedding (ugh, I know). Fast forward six years, my husband and I have discussed divorce.
We live separate lives and are basically roommates. No one really knows this except maybe a handful of close friends. This friend, in particular, knows things aren't right but no details. He knows because I was drunk and told him.
We hang out one-on-one and have recently had a very flirty relationship. However, I don't go anywhere alone with him because, honestly, I don't know what would happen. My husband is a huge flirt, too.
I catch him staring if we're around each other. He admitted he wished things had worked out differently. I've never admitted anything, but you can cut the tension with a knife when we're around each other.
My husband has recently admitted that he wants to fix our broken marriage. I have distanced myself from this friend, but my thoughts still linger. There is a lot of background on the story of my marriage, but I can't get this other person out of my head. I've admitted nothing.
Gingery1
16. Stocking Skin
I like to peel the dead skin off the bottom of my feet (not to cause pain). I started keeping the bigger pieces in a small jar.
When the jar filled up, I didn't want to throw it out, so I donated it. My skin is now in a glass jar on display at the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia.
I also sent a second jar over there, along with my favorite big pieces. They'll keep taking them as long as I keep filling them up. The jar is about one-quarter full right now.
peelingfan
17. Secret Affair
This is a throwaway, obviously. I have had a long-term affair with a famous actor for the past seven years. I have his child (now five years old), and he pays me a lot of money.
It allows him to keep it a secret. He bought me a house and gave me money monthly.
Yes, we still hook up occasionally. As long as he provides for us.
He is married with children. I have never told a soul. I told my friends and family that I didn't know who the father was. I will perhaps tell my son one day. It's hard living a lie.
throwitallawayxx
18. Selfish Thought
Last year, my 3-year-old cousin died after a long battle with cancer. About 5 months prior, he was doing terrific. He was beginning to make a great recovery after a surgery that supposedly got rid of the tumor causing the cancer.
He moved a lot around and stayed at St. Jude's Children's Hospital. As I said, he was doing great; all he wanted to do was play.
And myself, being a sulky little teenager, wanted nothing of it. One day, he had an upcoming MRI to see if he needed more treatment.
I remember being at school and thinking, "Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they found something. He'd have to go back to Memphis, and I wouldn't have to deal with him anymore."
It turned out they did find something, but the something they found was too much to treat. He basically wasn't going to make it past 2012.
I was devastated and realized what I had thought earlier in the day. I know I wasn't the reason that his cancer came back. But it still makes me want to throw up whenever I think about it.
It's been almost 9 months, and I still haven't told anyone. I want to, but I don't know if I would be able to contain myself if I did. I know it's not my fault, but in the back of my mind, I always seem to think it is.
imsosorrybubba
19. Stopping Hardship
My father recently beat cancer, I was there for him 24/7, and that didn't bother me. What bothered me at times was how much he depended on me.
At first, it was easy, almost like returning the favor for putting up with my mess. Still, he's been coming around for 4 months now.
Just the other day, during a small bout with frustration (he wouldn't leave his room; doctors say he needs to once a day), I thought, "Man, I wonder what it would be like if he didn't make it."
But it wasn't a question of curiosity, more like a sick multiverse scenario I briefly drifted into, greeted with a sense of relief. Then, recently, his kidneys almost failed. I was scared and crying the whole time.
EffinCory
20. Secret Hatred
I really resent my live-in boyfriend's son. He's 19, and my boyfriend provides everything he needs because his mother can't handle him.
My boyfriend is obsessed with getting his son into a decent college. I lost my own father a few years ago, and to hear his son tell him, on a daily basis, "Screw you, dad" and "I hate you, dad," absolutely breaks my heart.
I would give my life for five minutes with my dad. I miss him every moment of every day, and this is hell to live with. To see how this little jerk takes everything for granted with no appreciation is disrespectful to me (and I provide just as much as his father does). I am berated when I try to discuss the situation with my partner.
throwaway34981
21. Holding It Together
I've never told anyone this, not even the people closest to me. I have Trichotillomania, which is a compulsive disorder of pulling out hair. My earliest memory of hair-pulling was when I was in Elementary school.
I was pulling out my eyelashes. I don't remember why I did this other than it felt good. I actively stopped doing this when my friends began noticing what I was doing, I believe, in 6th grade. For some reason, I didn't think anyone would notice, which left me horribly embarrassed when they did.
So anyway, I was around 15-16 years old when I started pulling out my hair on my head. At first, I didn't even notice I was doing it until I would see my hair all over the floor, and my scalp would hurt.
It never occurred to me that this was a real problem until people started noticing once again, and that took about a year and a half. Small bald spots were becoming noticeable to everyone, and I didn't know how to hide them.
I have recently realized that pulling was my coping mechanism for the events going on in my life at that time. My parents split up, which only made my relationship with my mother more estranged and my relationship with my father more distant.
Also, around this time, my long-time boyfriend left me for a girl he was "just friends" with. That level of betrayal from the one person I truly trusted is still something I struggle with.
Today, I am 21 years old and still struggling with Trichotillomania. I wish I could tell my friends or my boyfriend about this, but I'm afraid of their reactions. It does feel good to be able to tell the few of you who will read this. Thanks for your time. I greatly appreciate it.
throwaway_puller
22. Trapped In A Cycle
I can't say this to my parents or really anyone. I hate where I am in life. I hate it so much that I want to stay asleep more than be awake.
I'm not in an abusive home, or nothing traumatic happened. Really nothing. Nobody died or anything. I just hate being trapped in the same house day after day.
Going to the same classes, coming home to parents and siblings who each live their own separate lives. I have little to no interaction with anyone.
And I can't get this perfectionism out of my head every time I attempt to do a hobby. If I can't reach what I think is my best at almost anything, I get really angry for days. I don't want to live the rest of my life that way. But I don't know what I can do about it.
Hzubo
23. Small Detail, Huge Outcome
My sister died from complications from a car accident. The car accident was caused by the sun blinding the driver over a crest, which only happens at a specific time in the morning.
Everyone knows that my sister slept in that morning before driving to the coast. No one knows that it was me who took the alarm clock the night before.
It was because I wanted to get up early to finish an assignment I had left until the last minute to complete. I know all that crap about not my fault, but one thing led to the other. Taking one of the steps out takes out the result.
tawyawy
24. Dirty Revenge
It's not all that dark, but I've never told anyone my revenge story. When I was 10 years old, my mom sent me to a summer camp in another county.
I knew 2 other people there, and we were placed in the same Cabin. The other cabin was full of the locals who had been there in previous years.
I was a fat, awkward kid, and I got picked on all the time. This camp was no exception, but this one kid was relentless. We'll call him Sam.
Sam always pushed me around and called me names. I wouldn't even eat if he was still in the lunch area. One day, we were talking about how mean the other guys were in our cabin, and I decided to seek revenge.
I had to take a massive poop, so I grabbed this plastic grocery bag and filled it up. I took the bag to the other cabin while the other kids were out being cool. I found Sam's bunk, grabbed a pair of his underwear, and shoved them down into the bag.
After squishing it up again, I put it under Sam's mattress with a little bit of it hanging out. By the way, the stench was horrendous! Relieved I hadn't been caught, I ran out of there and back to our cabin.
When the bullies came back in from playing, we could hear their disgust. It didn't take long for Sam to be the new target of endless bullying. Nobody wanted anything to do with the kid that shat himself. Guess who didn't get picked on for the rest of camp?
C2D2
25. The Real Me
I'm a 17-year-old guy who wants to be a woman. Since I was about 13 years old, I've been faced with this uncomfortable feeling of being someone I'm not. I don't know how to explain it; it's just this incompleteness.
Growing up, I was always thought of as some big/tough guy, but I'm far from it. I remember whenever my mother would leave, I would grab her makeup and some of my sister's clothes and just model myself for hours. It made me feel happy, something I've rarely felt.
I've contemplated a log because I know my family would see me as some sort of freak and disown me. I'll never be myself around them.
They were very religious people, and they would probably throw some passage and a number at me and start taking me to church again.
I tried listening to my parents about everything they said, but it really wasn't for me. None of my problems got any better.
I told a close friend, who was surprised but understanding. I think once I turn 18, I'll move far from this place and start HRT and my life, I can only hope.
throwawayboytogirl
26. Sneaky Pants
When I was in high school, I didn't really have money to buy a yearbook. They cost like 60 bucks. . . I was in my art class when the school campus security came in with like 6 boxes of yearbooks.
They set them on a counter and left. I knew right then that I was getting a yearbook that day. This class had two doors: one from the hallway and one from the courtyard. Nobody ever used the courtyard door.
It was always locked from the outside (One of those doors at restaurants that you push to open, no handles). We were allowed to leave from the courtyard door, but nobody could come into the class from there.
Anyway, after class, I got some tape, left the room, and secretly put tape on the door lock tongue so it wouldn't lock and you could open it from the outside. I returned at lunch and opened the door like I was going in to talk to the teacher.
I called his name, but nobody was there. After checking to see if the coast was clear, I opened a box and grabbed 6-year books. I got greedy. A girl walks in on me and catches me, putting a yearbook in my backpack.
She asked where the teacher was, and I said he went to the bathroom. She said she wanted to buy a yearbook. I grabbed a book from the box and gave it to her. She offered me the money, and I said no, it's okay, take it.
She was hesitant at first but took it and said thanks. She left, and then I left after I had like 6 year books. I stored them in my gym locker in case they searched for backpacks.
I was scared the rest of the day that I'd get called up to the office. Thank god I didn't! End of the day, I head back to my locker and grab the yearbooks. I found my best friend and gave him a book because I knew he couldn't afford it either.
Then I found my other friends who were going to buy yearbooks and sold 4 yearbooks for $40 instead of the $60 that the school sells them for. I was a hero that day. I went home with $160 in my pocket and a yearbook.
I felt guilty, but it was my senior year, and I WANTED a yearbook, and my parents couldn't afford it. I ended up taking my parents to dinner that night. They asked where I got the money, and I told them I'd been saving.
YearbookThief
27. No Brake
In my sophomore year of high school, I was trying to be funny and saying off-the-wall things to try to make people laugh. I was always awkward and didn't really know what normal people thought was funny.
My English teacher asked me, "What are you up to?" I replied, "Just plotting out finishing you off." This was not received well.
I don't know how the heck those words came out of my mouth, but they did. I cried in front of the principal and somehow convinced everyone that I wasn't serious.
I was suspended for a long time and kicked out of the class that she taught, but I was not expelled somehow. If this happened today, I'm sure the consequences would have been much worse.
Kidwhosaidweirdthing
28. Sudden Longing Feeling
I had an uncle, who I loved very much, who passed away a couple of years ago. He was probably one of the nicest people I have ever known.
Just to give you some background, my family is full of stupid crap that fight over money and steal from each other, that sorta thing. I had some great memories with my uncle, especially since he owned his own driving school and taught me how to drive.
Well, one night, I was in my dad's car with my aunt (she divorced my uncle), and they were talking about how he was diagnosed with cancer.
I just sat there, really sad, and I don't think they knew I was listening. Fast forward a few years, and his cancer is worse. Me being the crap that I am, I never really spoke much to my uncle.
I think I had 0 contact with him after that car ride I mentioned earlier. One day at work, I was transporting a deceased body and thought about calling my uncle.
While walking to my bus from work to get home, I pulled out my wallet to see if I still had his calling card, but it wasn't there. I really wanted to call him so badly. I'll never forget that feeling.
It turns out that was his last full day alive. He had died the morning after. This crap hurts so bad sometimes. At least he taught me how to be a good, decent man. I just hope I don't mess up all the time.
LeRogue
29. Hidden Identity
I found out, about 6 months before my grandmother died, that I am the daughter of a very well-known wanted guy. I remember visiting him in prison, and he was great, but then my mother and I changed our names, and she told me that we couldn't see Dad anymore, that he had died.
I was sad, and then life went on. I was just a kid and never thought much about it, to be honest. Mom and I never talked about it.
My grandmother, Dad's mom, wanted to see me before she passed, and my mom finally told me who I was and who my dad was. I looked at his pictures, and my memory version of my dad didn't look the same, but then she showed me pictures of us together in prison.
I had a few days of 'holy moly and then mourned the loss of my dad. He was executed. Different feeling comes from knowing your dad was executed vs him just dying.
We look alike in some ways, and he did terrible things, but I just remember he was loving to me (at least, the limited memories I have). None of my friends know, and I will never tell anyone else.
The deepest secret? As much as I know he did terrible things, I would do anything to have had him escape prison again and be alive with us today.
throwawayconflicts
30. Two Faces
I pretty much live two separate lives. I'm somewhat popular with tons of friends, and people love me because I'm always smiling.
I'm never sad around people and always invited to parties because I'm so adored. In reality, I hate everyone. I don't really feel sad when people die, and I'm often sad.
It actually almost feels good to feel sad. It's weird and sad, seeing as how I'm just that stupid middle-class kid with everything in the world I could want.
I can never be intimate with anyone because they see me as this great, sociable guy. Still, in reality, I'm this freak inside.
ImNotOnDrugs
31. Flash Of Thought
I once seriously considered getting pregnant on purpose and pretending it was an accident to "save" a relationship. Like, seriously.
Not that dark, considering I didn't do it, but I was really on the fence. I was 20 and stupid, and I realize now how messed up it is.
I think it crosses women's minds more often than guys might think. And crap, I think more women actually go through with it than you'd think.
VenomousJackalope
32. Personal Wounds
Having been passed from home to home and bad situation after bad situation as a kid, I had to develop coping mechanisms(?). I have felt like I play the role of myself for so long, but I have never actually been me.
Where does the outer shell end and I begin? I have no enjoyment from anything. I love my kids, but I feel wholly inadequate and am not sure I am doing well.
My wife, family, and friends see me as an exception to what I should have been given my past (childhood), but I am not so sure. I am borderline seething under the surface at any given moment.
I don't know whether I am just jaded to the point that I can no longer feel or if I never learned to feel at all. I hardly trust others, and I am very self-deprecating.
I am sure this will one day cost me my loving wife and family, but I can never seem to find a resolution. I want everything to work out. I will and have done so much but never seem to gain purchase. Like I am on the outside looking in.
Bear_Gilead
33. Complicated Feelings
Kind of private. I've been in love with my best friend for two years. Last May or June, I kissed her. My first kiss. Two hours later, we were texting about it, and she told me she was into girls.
We've been texting one another frequently the past week, and the conversation got extremely personal. We were talking about friends and how I don't have many friends because I have a hard time getting to know others, but once I do, I get close to them quickly.
Then she tells me I'm like her only true friend, and she's apprehensive about getting close to new people because she messes it up and only has fake friends.
I joked about the last and only time I got close to someone. I kissed her, and she told me she was a lesbian, referring to her.
She then tells me how bad she feels about it and how she hates being what she is, not being normal like other girls, and basically, she hates who she is. I really care about her.
Even if we can't be in a relationship, she's still my best friend, and I'm the kind of guy who'd bleed for his friends. It worried me, and I wanted to talk to her about it today but never got the chance.
When I almost brought it up, she said she doesn't like to talk about things like that, at least not in person. So I'm stuck here, wanting to help my best friend, who I think is the most beautiful person in the world.
I just want her to understand how I feel about her and that she can talk to me about anything. Still, it's SO HARD, especially when I see her at least 5 hours a day, and she was the first person to break my heart.
[deleted]
34. The Result
Since I was a young girl, I have never had imaginary friends, or real ones, for that matter. I was alone, just my father and me.
Now, my father never touched me or anything like that, but since I really had no one around since he worked all day and I was a shy little girl with no friends, there were these voices in my head that played with me, talked with me, and cheered me up when I felt alone.
By this point, I'm about 12 years old and finally making real friends, but the voices in my head are still there. They grew up with me, but now, they weren't just voices; they developed traits, and in my mind, I could begin to see them more clearly.
Now, take this development of them a few years later, when I'm 14...They all have named themselves and have traits. It's like six people sharing one brain.
thsisathrowaway13
35. Faking It All
I am the biggest piece of crap I know, but almost everyone I know thinks extraordinarily highly of me. It all started when I read The Prince when I was 11, and 12, and 13, and 14, every year. (I am 23 now).
I control exactly how every person I know sees me and, more importantly, what they expect of me.
I am nothing special, but nobody sees that because I have this narrative, or they have this narrative of me, that's not accurate.
I cheat and lie all the time. I have lied and manipulated my way through life in every challenge. Many people think the world of me is undeserved. So far, only has ever seen through it.
[deleted]
36. Quitting School
I am an OSTRICH. If anything bad/uncomfortable, I bury my head in the sand and pretend it isn't happening. My darkest secret is that I dropped out of university months ago.
I have been pretending (to family and friends) that I still attend. I haven't paid either and am about to be sued. I literally have no freaking clue what to do.
I have 2-3 weeks till the 'semester' starts. Honestly, I am having daily panic attacks and sobbing in secret every day. I don’t know what to do.
ShimbirOfParadise
37. Daily Nightmare
When I was about 5, I was at my friend's pool, and we were horsing around. Keep in mind he was about a half foot taller than me at this time.
When my mom And my friend's mom were talking, he started getting angry at me because I wasn't telling him a secret another friend had told me.
So he pushed me underwater in frustration, not letting me come up for air. I was screaming and hitting his legs to get him to stop, but he kept holding me under.
Finally, when I started blacking out, he stopped and let me come up for air. He apologized multiple times and actually meant it, but I still have nightmares about it sometimes, and I trust my mom a bit less because she wasn't watching over me.
Scribblewell
38. Self Preference
When I was 25, my daughter was born with my first wife. She was born with a very low Apgar, the cord around her neck, and a severe infection. She spent a week in the NICU, and the doctors told us to expect her to have some issue later on in life.
1.5 years later, we divorced. I didn't want kids because of what we went through, but she did. There were many other reasons why it fell apart, but this one is relevant to my story. I still have not gone into a maternity ward because I mentally cannot.
A week before my 30th birthday, my second wife decided she no longer wanted to be with me. We were trying to have a child together - we each had one from a previous marriage. I didn't want anymore, but I let her talk me into one.
However, it drove a wedge between us because I started avoiding making out to delay her getting pregnant. She knew full well what I had gone through, but her case of baby fever was so severe that she guilted me into agreeing with her.
I realized there was no way I wanted another kid, and I knew me. A pretty girl is hard to say no to. So, I went and got a vasectomy because I am 100% sure I do not want any more kids, and this way, it takes the option off the table.
I have not told any of my friends or family, and I have no plans to tell any of them. I won't tell anyone I date until we are well into the relationship, but I do not hide the fact that having children is off the table for me. I refuse to date anyone who wants to have kids.
MyPoopIsHere
39. Young Mom
I'm a single mom, attending school and working full-time. My daughter is 3, and I love her to death. She literally is the reason I exist, the reason I wake up and bust my ass every day.
But sometimes, I just wish I could not have her, not like hurt her (NOT ANOTHER CASEY ANTHONY HERE!), more like she could just go to her dad's for a long while.
I just feel so stressed out all the time I can barely finish my school work, let alone take a shower or go to the restroom without her freaking following me.
I know I should be "enjoying this time," but for god’s sake, can I get a god darn break! Honestly, I feel like crying while writing this.
In reality, I am sad when she leaves to go to her dad's and wants her to come home. I feel like this is my karma for doing crap the wrong way, e.g., having a child out of wedlock and without a college education.
EmmaJean89
40. Action Regrets
I had a cat named Buddy when I was in middle school. I was about in 6th grade at the time, and I had a jacket with a string that I pulled out. I put it around his neck (very loosely) and held him up, almost like a noose.
I wasn't trying to hurt him, and I didn't know why I was doing it. I was just a kid thinking about that idea at the time. I think I did it twice, and when I did it, it was just for a couple of seconds. I saw him coughing afterward, and I felt bad, so I blew into his mouth to "help" him (6th-grade logic).
He was completely fine, and I thought nothing of it. The next day, he disappeared. It happened with many of our cats because they were outdoor cats, and we never found him.
The day before Buddy disappeared from my life, I hurt him like that... and it's so hard to forgive myself for that. I'm a high school senior now, and this is what I regret most. I loved him. I don't know why I did that.
As I've grown up and realized how sick the thing I did to him was over the years, I've hurt so much. I hate hearing the idea that people who abuse small animals end up becoming bad people when they're older because I know that's not me yet. I did. I honestly didn't have any bad intentions.
I wasn't trying to hurt him. We got rid of all our cats (gave them away to a safe shelter), and my older sister eventually got a cat named LuLu after she moved into my dad's house.
Now, I was about a sophomore in high school and knew full well what I had done. I took a second to talk to her when I was in my sister's room just by myself and with LuLu. I tried speaking to Buddy through her since I haven't had a cat.
I took the time to apologize to him, telling him I was really sorry and didn't mean to hurt him. I hope he didn't run away from the house because of me. I looked for him for hours when he disappeared, and I walked through forests and paths and looked in sewage drains.
Honestly, it still hurts to think about it because I feel shame whenever I do. I've given up on trying to suppress it, and I've tried to come to terms with what I've done and forgive myself. I have, but not entirely.
I'm crying just typing it because I haven't thought about it for a while, but it's good I'm talking about it again now, so thank you, Reddit. The only person I've ever told was my mom, and that was years after.
If she ever told anybody...I don't think I'd be able to trust her anymore, but she hasn't, and I believe her when she says that. I'm sorry, Buddy.
throwawayforbuddy
41. Dodged Death
This is something I've never told anyone. On November 17, 2011, I went for a night run (I am a marathoner). I was about seven miles rounding a turn, and everything went black.
I came to with half my body in a water ditch and the other half on the side of the road. I didn't know where I was or what had happened.
Finally, as some time passed, a woman drove past... Then popped a U-turn and came over to me. She kept asking me questions, but I couldn't hear her voice.
All I could see was her mouth moving. At some, I rolled over to my left where the ditch was, and when I did that, everything went white. I was no longer lying on the ground but standing.
A person was standing about 5 feet from me, holding sunflowers. She was beautiful. Once noticing her, I had this warm feeling, and the next thing I knew, I was awake, and an EMT was giving me CPR.
I was dead for 6 minutes that night. (They still can't figure out what happened to me. They think it was a mixture of no sleep, low sugar, and low protein).
The woman who drove by later said, "For some reason, she felt like taking a different way home." Now for the woman I saw lying there. She's going to be my future wife.
She doesn't know it yet. But she saved my life before we even ever met. I remember thinking I can't die. I have to marry this beautiful woman.
imsobubba
42. My Own Space
I am afraid of life. I am 28. I am afraid of progression, and I'm afraid to stay the same. I am afraid of finally going to college because I don't want to fail.
I'm afraid of success because I am afraid of change. I have a comfort zone, and it consists of working a crappy job and not worrying about anything.
I have lost a few relationships because I fear being together too long. That fear comes from a young marriage and divorce.
I have difficulty voicing my feelings, so meeting people and admitting I like them and that I'm interested is pretty tough. I usually don't go out with friends much because I don't like to go out of my zone. This is basically ruining my life.
[deleted]
43. Abandoned Turd
I was taking my dog for a walk, and he took a dump of epic proportions. It was steaming and stinking. I put it in a little black plastic bag.
This happened rather early in the walk, so rather than carry it the whole way, I put it on the wall so I could pick it up when I returned home.
About forty minutes later, as I approached my house, I saw two children screaming and crying, the bag open at their feet. I felt really bad. They hadn't seen me, and I waited until they'd run off before I continued.
[deleted]
44. Stinky Times
I once broke into my best friend's house and took a dump in his mom's bathroom (9/10 mom). Right before I left the house, my friend's mom walked in through the garage door.
She immediately asked what I was doing in her home. I made up some crappy excuses and smoothly walked to my car. That’s what I thought.
I thought I was off the hook until my best friend called me, saying, "Why the heck did my mom just call me asking why there's poop in her toilet." Apparently, I forgot to flush in the heat of the moment.
youngdavebaby
45. Big Log
When I was in elementary and middle school, I would have the most enormous deuces. I'm talking footlongs, two or three inches wide.
I often wouldn't poop for up to a week. I once went to camp for a week, then to my cousin's house for another week.
At about 11 days, I couldn't contain it, and in their oldest toilet, I dropped the biggest deuce known to anyone my age.
I don't remember anything other than that it was the biggest because I've hidden it from my memory so hard. I don’t know how I was able to produce top quality deuce like that.
Kingofpoops