[COMMENTARY] ‘The Women of Matt Gaetz’s Office’ Won’t Save Matt Gaetz

Are you overMATTurated with the Gaetz coverage? Well, all of that could be wrapping up shortly thanks to his sex trafficker pal Joel Greenberg flipping on him like a teenage Russian gymnast (yes, I meant all of the subtext to those words, thanks). There are about 25 different hashtags on Twitter that auto-fill if you type in “#MattGaetzIs”, because Matt Gaetz is so many different things, and all of them are terrible. Except for #MattGaetzIsGoingToPrison, which is just terrible for him.

And yet, he tweets. You can almost smell the desperate whiskey-tinged Florida swamp flop sweat wafting from the screen as Gaetz punches the air trying to make anything land. As if the walls aren’t closing in on him. As if Greenberg hasn’t just stuck his landing with the FBI. As if we all don’t know he begged Daddy Trump for a blanket pardon and then begged him to release a statement saying there never was an ask for pardons.

Photo by Michael Ciaglo/Getty Images

But oh, he’s still trying. And now the (alleged, but we all KNOW) sexual predator has put out a statement supposedly written by “The Women of Congressman Matt Gaetz’s Office”, which sounds both like the worst sitcom AND the worst Playboy photo spread ever. If there are actually real human women willingly working in his office, they obviously aged out of Gaetz’s preferred predatory pool over two decades ago. But whoever these women are, they have a really lame collective voice.

I don’t know any women who write or speak like this, but okay.

“After the shocking allegations last week in the press, we, the women of Congressman Matt Gaetz’s office, feel morally obligated to speak out. During Congressman Gaetz’s time in office, we have been behind the scenes every step of the way. We have staffed his meetings. We have planned his events. We have traveled with him. And we have tracked his schedule. On every occasion, he has treated each and every one of us with respect. Thus, we uniformly reject these allegations as false.”

“Thus”. Staahhhhp it.

It continues, though, because Gaetz can’t stop never stopping. “Congressman Gaetz will continue to lead by example and stand for the people of America who have been maligned by the liberal elite,” the statement says in conclusion. “And we will stand with him. While we recognize the scrutiny we will face for making this decision, we take comfort in the hope that more Americans and elected officials will stand up and refuse to remain silent.”

Girls, NO.

If Gaetz didn’t write that hunk of crayap himself, then I have nothing but pity for the poor subjugated “Women of Gaetz’s Office”, none of whom have names or singular identities. They’ve only been identified as “eight women staffers”. How liberating for them! It’s not like Gaetz sees all women as beings who either serve a purpose for him or they don’t (jk it’s totally like that). It’s funny how literally everyone sees it except him.

The “Women of Gaetz’s” that I’m more concerned about are his victims. The young not-yet-women of his that he (allegedly, but COME ON) abused and paid to be trafficked across state lines. The ones he and Joel Greenberg and Harley Beshears all used and passed around as if they weren’t human beings. I worry about those girls and I worry about their mental health while Matt Gaetz desperately tweets in the waning moments of his freedom.

Hopefully, the women in his office will find their individual voices and speak out for those girls instead of the man who abused all of them.

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