[COMMENTARY] The GOP Needs An Ainsley Hayes

I’m not in the habit of helping Republicans, especially when they’ve just voted against the most significant bill ever signed into law by a Democratic President. But I keep hearing how the GOP is having “an image problem” ever since the Former Guy skulked back to Florida to prepare for his upcoming prosecutions in Georgia and New York (maybe that has something to do with your image problem, folks, I dunno), so like I tried to help the media be better at not covering Joe Biden like Donald Trump, I’m here to give a bit of advice to the Retrumplicans. Of course, they won’t take it, because they don’t care what we peons think, but I’m going to put this out there in the spirit of good karma.

Hi, GOP! It’s International Women’s Month, and you a problem with women. You now find yourselves faced with a future of Marjorie Taylor Greenes and Lauren Boeberts along with the other subjugated mouthpieces like Cindy Hyde-Smith, Kristi Noem, Nikki Haley, Marsha Blackburn, and Ronna “I Dropped the Romney Because Trump Hated Being Reminded I’m Related to Mitt” McDaniel. You also have non-elected women around the periphery like Amy Kremer and her equally awful daughter Kylie Jane, who helped plan the January 6th insurrection and are now having themselves a BBQ at Mar-a-Lago, because accountability, accountaschmility with all of you. This is such bad P.R. for you, but what do you care, because any press is good press, right?

Marjorie Taylor Greene anti-Muslim rant
[Photo By Tom Williams/CQ-Roll Call, Inc via Getty Images]
Crooks and Liars
RIFLE, CO – MAY 29: Lauren Boebert, owner of the Shooters Grill, has gained national attention for her decision to encourage her staff to carry a firearm during work on May 29, 2018, in Rifle, Colorado. (Photo by RJ Sangosti/The Denver Post via Getty Images)

False. And especially when it comes to women. You don’t have one real superstar of any gender in your whole party, just a bunch of QAnon Qidiot wannabees. You need to rehab your image. You need a smart, sharp, educated woman who isn’t just someone’s daughter (Meghan McCain) or wife (same). You need a woman who isn’t afraid to speak as strongly to members of her own party as she does with her opponents, but always with an undercurrent of respect.

You need an Ainsley Hayes.

As played by Emily Proctor on The West Wing, Ainsley Hayes was all of those things. She could recite the Constitution and quote Gilbert and Sullivan. She was a Republican who still maintained respect when speaking critically about the Democratic President, Josiah Bartlet. He in turn was so impressed with her, he hired her as White House Associate Counsel (she got promoted to Deputy Counsel, even after the President met her while she was dancing in her bathrobe in her basement office. Hey, that’s 90s Aaron Sorkin for you). Ainsley implemented real change while working for the Bartlet administration. Bipartisanship! It’s a thing!

Plus, Ainsley Hayes is not who you think she is, and that’s why you need a woman who can shut men up like she can.

So, what I’m saying to the Republicans is that if you want to be seen as a real party ever again instead of this Cavalcade of Miscreants who hop a flight to Cancun while their state is frozen, you need to recruit better female candidates. You’ll never rehab your image if you keep trolling gyms for QAnons having a polyamorous affair with their Tantric sex guru/Crossfit workout partner. You need to find you a woman who will talk to a room full of Democrats like this.

By the way, I’m not saying I want any young women to grow up to be Republicans. I feel very strongly about that never happening. But if they’re going to grow up to be Republicans, they should model themselves after Ainsley Hayes. Imagine a young, smart, Republican woman who wouldn’t be afraid to (respectfully, can’t we please get back to even a faked semblance of respectful political discourse) disagree with the President to the point where she’s summoned to the White House because she impressed him so much he wants her to work with his staff.

President Joe Biden has said he’s open to working with the other side, but Democrats aren’t inclined to make space for a belligerent Trumpbot who spouts the latest propaganda talking points. You don’t have an Ainsley Hayes now, but she’s very possibly out there this very minute, maybe in college already, dreaming of her own interview with Leo McGarry.

An Ainsley Hayes would be an asset to your party, if you could only find her and let her work, instead of repressing her into your ideal of what a Republican woman–or any woman–should be.

In the meantime, you can blame it on the Bossanova, but its magic spell won’t fix your party.

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