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[COMMENTARY] Stephen Miller Is 36 And Still On His Parents’ Cell Phone Plan

[COMMENTARY] Stephen Miller Is 36 And Still On His Parents’ Cell Phone Plan

There are a lot of things that should happen after you’re allegedly a grownup and you leave your parents’ home. While everyone is entitled to take their time to find their own paths, they’ve usually found it well before they hit 30. Independence is a big deal when you’re all growns up, and a big part of adulting is being able to pay your own bills, especially if you have a cushy government job where you implemented the most antiquated immigration policies since they were changing immigrants’ last names at Ellis Island at the turn of the 20th century.

But on Wednesday we learned that Stephen Miller, who is 36 years old while having the hairline of a much older and more mature Nosferatu, is still on his parents’ cell phone plan. And we only found this out because Stephen Miller is taking a break from grinding bones to make his bread so he has more time to sue the January 6th House Select Committee to block a subpoena of his parents’ T-Mobile family plan, which also provides him with a number.

Stephen Miller continues charade about Trump election
[I always use pictures of Stephen Miller with his eyes closed because I’m afraid I’ll turn to stone if I look into his open ones]
Aside from his grifted salary culled from the Orange Menace’s fanbase, Miller comes from money and should be able to swing his own cell phone bill. But maybe he’s too busy fighting the temptation to eat his own infant child to just check out some plans for himself? I mean, why else would someone who’s been alive for so many millennia need Mommy and Daddy to keep him on the family plan?

Miller is that strange breed that sometimes tells sort of the truth about something, but then the rest of his terrible leaches into it and you remember that he separated nursing babies from their mothers and other horrendous crimes against humanity that he’s still somehow never been punished for. Like, he said a truth-ish thing about the January 6th insurrection by calling it “disturbing” and he even said that the Select Committee’s probe is “legitimate”. But then Miller shape-shifted back into his 36-year-old skin suit to hiss through his clenched fangs that a subpoena is “overly broad” and an “unreasonable search” because the committee has “no reason” to believe he was involved in the Capitol siege. Yeah, he wasn’t always around Trump all of the time or anything, that was just a vampire magic trick where Stephen Miller can make it seem like he’s standing right in front of you, but really he’s flying around the border looking for dinner.

Maybe Miller doesn’t want his own phone because he knows he’ll just have to surrender it during his prison intake? Twitter had plenty to say about the whole thing, as it usually does. But don’t worry, Stephen Miller won’t see any of this because it was written while the sun was still out.

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