[Disclaimer: your writer was raised Jewish but now identifies as an atheist who thinks all religions are cults, so you’ve been warned]
Televangelist and reanimated Crypt Keeper Pat Robertson retired last year, but the current conflict in Ukraine was troubling enough for him to make a return to his old seat on “The 700 Club” on Monday. Robertson immediately made the connection to Armageddon, saying Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine is a “is a step towards a global ‘End Times’ battle in Israel.
Quick aside: it sure seems like these Qrazy Christians have been predicting the End Times since the Beginning Times, doesn’t it? Honestly, I think it’s just code for “I don’t know how to explain how screwed we all are, so I’m doing a Give-Up.” There’s nothing like blanket fears you can’t attach to any real thing or blame on one person, huh? Robertson himself predicted that “there is going to be a judgment on the world” in 1982 (maybe he just foresaw the rise of cable TV?). He also said the Pacific Northwest would be devastated by a tsunami in 2006, and that’s not true because I’m writing this from the Pacific Northwest where it still just rains a lot. Robertson said “mass killings” would be “unleashed in America” in 2007 (super vague, pass the collection plate to buy some peace of mind!), and an “asteroid would destroy the earth” after Donald Trump won re-election in 2020. Sounds like he’s been watching A LOT of disaster movies to keep his flock ascared. Don’t look up, Pat! You might just turn to dust if you move too quickly!
[Sorry to do this to your eyes. Please read the funny stuff below to remedy]
But ennyheez, Ol Pat dragged his 91-year-old salamander body in front of a camera to empty his brain of all of the things that prayers just couldn’t silence. Get ready for some serious word salad (I prefer Caesar dressing, but you do you), cobbled together from all of his meanderings that should have stayed in his head as a private conversation between himself and his invisible Sky Daddy:
“People say that Putin’s out of his mind. Yes, maybe so. But at the same time, he’s being compelled by God. He went into the Ukraine but that wasn’t his goal. His goal was to move against Israel, ultimately.”
Yes, he said “the Ukraine,” because he’s ignorant and uninformed. Robertson also claimed Ukraine is merely a “staging area” for one of the great Biblical armies that “will gather for Armageddon in Israel”. Then he busted out that old chestnut to “read your Bible” because “it’s coming to pass.”
Pat Robertson came out of retirement to claim that Putin "is being compelled by God" to invade Ukraine in preparation for a massive End Times invasion of Israel. pic.twitter.com/Pmwybf57Ay
— Right Wing Watch (@RightWingWatch) February 28, 2022
Yeah, but which Armaggedon, tho? The Bruce Willis/Ben Affleck movie or the Def Leppard song. Are you getting it, Pat? Armageddonit!
The only good thing about something like this is the Twitter roasting, because what else can you do to combat the Cray? Now that you’ve finished the word salad, here are the just desserts. Enjoy!
Felt compelled by God to make this video for Pat Robertson pic.twitter.com/kQkKxEBEph
— Bridget Geerlings (@bgigglings) March 1, 2022
— Stream the Vote 💙💛 (@StreamtheVote) February 28, 2022
It might be approaching the End Times for Pat Robertson…
but this planet is here to stay.
— Brian O'Sullivan (@osullivanauthor) March 1, 2022
Pat Robertson makes me wished I believed in hell because death would be to good for his kind. https://t.co/ZaAgVKIFDs
— Trini♍️🇹🇹🇺🇸🪶❤️🍷🐕💉💉💉BLM🌈🗳BLUE⚖️🤬Cancer (@trini_ameri) February 28, 2022