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[COMMENTARY] Melania Trump Said to Be Writing Memoir on Her Time in WH

[COMMENTARY] Melania Trump Said to Be Writing Memoir on Her Time in WH

Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Sean Spicer. John Bolton. Michael Cohen. Donald Trump, Jr. James Comey. Anthony Scaramucci. Rex Tillerson. Roger Stone. Steve Bannon. Omarosa Manigault-Newman. Tom Price. Reince Preibus. Scott Pruitt.

What do all of these people have in common? They were all once a part of the Trump Administration, but no longer are, and they all have book deals. Why do all of the wrong people have book deals while actually talented writers languish in obscurity (I may or may not be including myself in that latter part, and by ‘may’ I mean I totally am)? Not all of them have written their books yet, but their deals are either set or forthcoming. Yes, they know stuff about Donald Trump that other people don’t know, but for those who’ve already been published, it turned out that almost nobody was interested in reading any of their books. There’s nothing to suggest that anyone will be interested in what any future missives expose–maybe with the exception of Hope Hicks, who’s said to still be negotiating her deal–so that’s millions of dollars in book advances and advertising down the drain, not to mention millions of trees dying for no good reason.

Photo by MANDEL NGAN/AFP via Getty Images

But nobody loves killing trees more than Melania “Scorched Earth” Trump, who famously tore up Jacqueline Kennedy’s Rose Garden to replace it with a cold barren landscape, clearly a visual metaphor for her innermost feelings about being trapped in the White House these last four years. Her former assistant and friend Stephanie Winston Wolkoff has already released her own tell-all about Melania, claiming the outgoing First Lady doesn’t “give a f—” about Christmas or the children who enjoy it, among other chestnuts caught on tape. Melania strongly denied the accusations despite the release of the tapes, and it was suggested she might be aiming to tell her own story herself someday.

Those hunches were confirmed on Saturday when it was announced that the former escort whose citizenship status will forever be questionable would be writing her own memoir to recount her experiences in the White House.

The mind reels when thinking about just what such an important piece of history might contain. It’s assumed she’s signed a serious NDA, so expect a whole lot of nothing disguised as something. Melania will of course hire a ghostwriter, because that’s what rich people with no command of the English language and/or who can’t actually write for themselves do (hey, it worked for her husband and “The Art of the Deal”). It’s unlikely she’ll discuss the shady circumstances that led to her being the third Mrs. Trump to be cheated on while recovering from childbirth. Don’t expect a deep dive into why she aligned with her husband to push his racist Birther theories about Barack Obama, or why she stayed behind in New York with Barron for so long before consenting to live with her husband in the Peoples’ House, and only after there was a new bathroom installed so she wouldn’t have to put her precious white butt anywhere near where Michelle Obama might have breathed. She most likely will skip over her (okay fine, alleged, but we know the truth) long-term affair with Hank Siemers, or how she managed to get her parents citizenship so quickly. Anyone looking for the real reasons why she and Ivanka don’t get along should go back to the tell-all mentioned above. Why bother, when it’s already destined for the Bargain Bin?

But it’ll still happen, because Trumpworld will still continue to plague us in one form or another for an unknown amount of time to come.

If there was anything such as justice in this world, an accessory to criming like Melania would be too busy testifying against her husband and his terrible adult children in exchange for full immunity and wouldn’t be allowed to make any money off of the misery we’ve lived through these last four years as part of her deal. Then maybe a real writer who just happens to be exactly one year older than she is, and who’s been blocked on Twitter by her terrible husband for over five years, would finally get her big break. I mean, if people believe Melania really had kidney surgery, anything is possible, right?

Publishers, take note.

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