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[COMMENTARY] An Open Letter to Tucker Carlson (Not That He’ll Respond)

Hey Tucker Carlson (you don’t get a “Dear”, because you’re not),

Strap in, you manipulative doughboy, because you’ve really done it now. We’ve extensively covered just how terrible you are, as if anyone really needs to be reminded. But it seems like you’re afraid of losing your red meat-loving, Mountain Dew-guzzling, My Pillow-buying, obtusely loyal MAGA audience, so you’re re-upping all of the conspiracies you can find and you’re cobbling them together in one terrible place called your “show”.

Let’s discuss your latest attempt to get back in the good graces of the worst people while also trying to distance yourself from Matt Gaetz essentially telling the whole world he was your wingman when you cheated on your wife with (probably) a teenager. It’s bad enough you don’t deserve your privileged position, but you always manage to make it worse when you obtusely abuse it by spreading baseless and incredibly dangerous propaganda.

Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

Look, I get playing to your audience, but what’s your endgame here, pally? What do you actually get out of telling your audience to harass children wearing masks in public? Because you told your audience TO HARASS CHILDREN. IN PUBLIC.

But that wasn’t enough for you, right? You had to keep going and getting even more terrible because the adrenaline high you get from being awful is way cheaper than cocaine. I can’t think of anything more obtuse than you saying “We won’t recognize the current legitimate administration” when you enabled the former guy every second of his. Because there’s no gray area when you look straight into a camera and tell your millions of viewers (oh you poor dumb groupthinkers, please put down the Wild Cherry Mountain Dew flavored Kool-Aid and WAKE UP ALREADY) that your ‘show’ will no longer acknowledge the White House as being occupied by the duly elected President of the United States. This is beyond the pale even for someone widely accepted as the whitest guy on television. You really said this out loud where far too many people can see and hear you. And you did it on purpose because you knew it would get attention.

To say “the quote Biden Administration” out loud is to signal your viewers to do the same. After four years of whining every night about the left not accepting Trump, you go and play your Trumpocrite card yet again. And then you pull the old smug “What did I do?” act that all Trumpocrites pull, because not only do you know exactly what you’re doing, you enjoy being this terrible. That schmucky smirk of yours is your biggest tell that you LOVE being the BMOC of all of the Fox Liars. This is why all of Twitter has decided yours is one of the most punchable faces to ever emerge from the fetid Fox Swamp.

It’s one thing to whine and complain about specific policies you don’t agree with, like having to pay more taxes on the money you inherited from the stepmother who never loved you, Captain Swanson TV Dinners. It’s so perfect that you’ve been coasting on frozen food money your entire adult life, because you’re like one of those Hungry Man meals with the corn in the brownie part and everything is still slightly cold in the middle.

Your words have weight, Tucker. You’re not just bullshitting to your buddies in the frat house after drinking 14 kegs. Other people can hear your hate speech and virtue signaling loud and clear and then they make it louder.

What’s cool about you is that you hate everyone who isn’t a rich white male Republican/subjugated woman in service to a rich white make Republican. Oh wait, did I write “cool”? I meant ‘cruel’, oopsie.

Joe Biden is the legitimate President of the United States, Sucker. I don’t care if you don’t like it (in fact, I love that you don’t like it), but that doesn’t mean you get to tell your fellow Cult 45 members that he isn’t the President when YOU KNOW he is. If you really cared about inspiring your audience (yeah I couldn’t even type that with a straight face, you totally don’t care and we all know it), you’d do actual research about President Biden (say it out loud, lil fella, PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN. Now keep practicing until it doesn’t make your butt cheeks clench in fear) and tell them the real reasons you don’t like the way he’s running things.

Whining things like “Waaaaah, I won’t call him the President so people will still keep watching my propaganda whinefest” might be the clickbait that works best for you, but the FCC still makes news channels report the news, so just try that for a few minutes every night and see what happens.

Otherwise, this is what you’ll get every time you open that empty piehole in the middle of your dumb blank frat boy face and lie about the President of the United States (whose name is Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. in case you missed any of my points).

I don’t expect you to respond because you’re a coward. As you watch the Trump Crime Syndicate implode, just remember you’re part of it too. If Rudy and Victoria and Roger and Matty G are in trouble, how long before you and Hannity get your own visits from the FBI? You of all people should know how that would turn out for you. You wouldn’t fare well in Gen Pop, wee man.

In the meantime, either call the President by his rightful name or keep it out your hateful shitmouth altogether. You can find me on Twitter @taradublinrocks if you’d like to have a discussion as to why you don’t deserve a TV show or anything else good in life.

I’ll wait.

Disrespectfully yours,

Tara Dublin



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